sometimes something you do means everything
so just do it please
just care enough
no
just show you care enough
thats all i need

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
A sad, lonely, mentally tortured little girl
She carried all the fear in the world in her tears

All she wanted was a true friend
Someone she could trust and with whom she could figure everything out
Her future, her feelings, herself
Everyone she spoke to felt fake and cold
They didn't really care, no one really cared

Along came another lonely day
With a heavy heart and heavy eyes she tried to make her way through it
Then someone approached her
Another little girl with golden hair
This new little girl asked the first if she would be her partner in PE
Now the first little girl was so shocked she felt defensive
For so long had she not heard sincerity in the voice of another
She couldnt believe it was true
And with a mixture or hurt and anger asked why
And the other little girl plainly said Because i do

That day that little girl changed
She felt lighter
She felt free
She felt ready to take on the world
She is bigger now and just wants to say
Thankyou little girl
Thankyou for everything

i will start writing again
good meaningful things
when i can drill it into myself that i shouldnt care who reads this
like i didnt care before

these blogs are uninteresting an incredibly late
also i suck at writing in my book
i cant find the time/get in the right frame of mind
all i feel now is the terrible sensation that i wish didnt exist
i shall go read now

i may write a good blog one day. not like its read anyway

i need to get this top somehow...

i'm so happy right now :)
i love this feeling
i want to feel like this all the time please!
today= good good good ^^
happy birthday for monday zarah =D

hehehehe

right i hate how i look in this vid, especially braces eurgh but ohwellls its funny :)

this and tomorrow

make me love my life sometimes

dude what was with the primary school reunion today!
haha
right tomorrow i need to spend tiiiime writing/drawing in my book
badly
argh
too much happens

phewwwwwwwwwwww
liverpool are through to the champions league
good fucking stuff ^^

i just spent
2 and a half hours in a queue
BUT its worth it
cause i'm now enrolled in a black and white photography course
and me and my dad just pulled out his old film camera
and he was teaching me stuff
and now i cannot wait till the 15th september
dark room here i come

today i spent alot of money
which i havent done in a long time
it felt good haha
plus i love everything i bought ^^
yeyyyy

got my results
7 A*s and 5 As
is it bad i wish i'd done better?
i know its great
but hey its jsut who i am
i always want to do better

anywhooooo
i need to keep this up to scratch
hmmmmm

back to reality

back to this...

results areee tomorrow =/

shit

this time tomorrow i should know them

its weird the idea of them kind of freaks me out but doesnt bother me at the same time

depending on my state of mind

hmmm we shall see how things turn out

i love london
i feel like breaking all connections and contact with everything back home
that makes me wonder how much i'd be missed
and by who

the load is lighter here

right now i wish
i owned/worked in a book store

this is a bad bad week

i cant wait for it to be over

also

today was meant to be so good

ohwell

i really need to get out of this frame of mind



on a lighter note

you know when you have that little pocket in your right hand pocket of your jeans

mine has a little zip :')

i've never noticed lmao!

x

i have realised

that recently i havent really been making many blog posts

cause of what i'm reading

cause it is so good

everything i write is pure crap

i just saw the dark knight again haha
so so amazing

also
things cost too much
damn credit crunch

i keep falling behind
must catch up
must catch up...

i want to go here for a picnic

who would like to come?...

batman: the dark knight
INCREDIBLE
so so so so so so soooooooo good
i will watch it again
and probably again
and then get it on dvd haha :)

why so serious?
haaaa ha ha ha ha ha

happy happy happy :D
i am in love with the next few weeks
except certain parts
but its all good i can work on that
neeeed to write in my black book yey
i want to buy books tomorrow XD
and
DARK KNIGHT IMAX STYLE
cant wait
i liked seeing chez today :)
and ofcourse zarah
i am making your cds as i write this haha ^^
see you tomorrow
others should come
3 o'clock printworks
to see a greattt film

i am suddenly quite happy :)

i really want to skate
i might go out later
i have to clean up today though

might take my skateboard to london with me :)

happy birthday to me
haha how ironic
my 100th post is on my birthday

its just another day
i wish one day it wont be
just to break the pattern
i dont like patterns
i dont like the norm

i went to camelot yesterday haha
it was....interesting

i need to sit down and write lots in my black book

i'm gonna be 16 tomorrow =/
it feels weird
i hate birthdays

its funny how i still resort to old ways
old times


but i see new things in the future
:)

haha pot noodle and snickers

being ill sucks
my phone sucks

i liked this place

next time i want to go with a frisbee and water guns and a boombox and people who just want some fun

its the little things that make me happy
like going for a walk to peel tower for a few hours with my rents
no not overly exciting but nice :)
i dont particularly like england =/
but going abroad looks more and more unlikely *mumbles*

i need to get to know someone with a car
who has lost the will to live this way
as i have

eurgh
i think that was one risk too many
damn =/
why dont i think
why do i just do things on a whim
and when i do think when i make promises to myself
why do i break them
eurgh such a dick
i need a good book to read

escapism

i just took a risk not like something huge but still
it worked in my favour
now i want to take another
but would that be too greedy

sometimes i hope you read this
and somehow just know when i'm talking of you
and realise that....

supertwigg (15:13:35): ooosh =/ that could result in a broken leg of yours and the massacre of me by your many adoring fans haha! ahwell today feels like a day to take risks
supertwigg (15:13:44): i'm about to take one myself aha ^^

yep todays the day

i'm good at breaking promises i make to myself

i hope one day one of those letters will be for me
and i'll smile before i open it
cause i'll know it was written with love

i'm getting rid of alot of my old school work
and i almost laughed out loud at how organised i used to be!
whats with that haha :')
its weird how much things have changed and what still feels the same

i love my black book
and it doesnt have lines which makes it even better
however it has affected how much i write on here
though i havent ranted in it yet
ooooh i need to go hoover the car still =/
damn

i just listened to the used- i caught fire
first time in a loooong while
i like that song

anywho if you have text me and i haven't replied please tell me on here
i swear my phone is fucked =/

i dont come online that much anymore
not cause i'm busy
but cause i'm avoiding this room =/
i bought a black book
from tomorrow i am going to put stuff in it
write stuff in it
draw stuff in it
i dunno
we shall see
i wish the pages werent lined though =/ ohwell

italians are funny
and one that came in today was very good looking ^^ haha
this job would be alright if i was getting paid =/
i dont think i've ever cleaned so much though
and the manager is abit intimidating
he is the only one that looks like he'd know the mafia! seriously

eurgh i had so much to say
so much
mostly happy stuff
and then what SHE has just said arghhhhh
i hate this i cant stand this
fuck it

duuude my feet are killing me =/
so first day of work experience was alright after i found out it wasnt open yesterday
dont even go there
i find it funny when italians try to say my name
i really want to ask them if they know anyone from the mafia lol!
and i neeed to lean how to spell the different wines and champagnes
and the table numbers!
theres 2 other guys who are doing work ex too they were working in the kitchen
i find it funny how i would have found one fit if i'd have seen him 2 years ago =/ lol
you know work experience would be so much more enjoyable if i was getting paid =/
stingy english people not leaving me tips pfffft

i have realised that if you want something done dont count on anyone else
its up to you to get it done
also
i am going to make a list of stuff i want to do this summer
i may or may not post it on here
i need to take my camera out more
i'm thinking of trying my hand at a diary again
but with photos
hence why i need to take my camera out more
i also need to do something but i cant remember :
ooops
as much as i dislike my cousins (mum's sister's daughters)
i love my aunt loads
she is so amazing seriously
peace out x

i wish chez was here :(
i made a list :)
i knew i recognised that person!
this is so random

i just recieved my work experience letter thingymajigg
haha i'm going to be a waitress for a week ;)
come visit
tiggis restaurant in bolton!
10 till 3

i hate the fact that something that i dont even know will happen again still scares the life out of me
and that any sign of it gets me feeling so worried and so nervous
reading about it brings back memories
and a glimpse of that feeling that dreaded feeling
theres nothing like it
and i dont want it anymore
i dont want the fear, the worry, the emotions...that feeling

last night was good
some bits pissed me off but all in all was a good night :)
lol! someone broke the ceiling haha
my feet are now killing me
hooooow people managed to keep bigger heels on all night who knows
i forgot to take my camera so no pics but i'm sure i'll find some soon enough tbh lol
xx

i had a horrible dream last night =/
tonight i just want to have a good time
and not give a shit if i look bad or my dress keeps falling down
cause i think i've lost weight =/ eurghhhhh
i know i know other people would be so happy to lose weight but dude i'm already underweight i dont want to be even more
anywhoooo
i have a few hours to kill
then i'm off to bolton lads and girls club where i should be match ended today cause i fixed the kid haha ^^
but i'm gonna carry on as a volunteer cause nikki doesnt want me to leave her lol
and i'm a nice person!
then i'll probably be home at quarter past 6 where i then have 15/25 minutes to get ready wooooot
and i dont even know what i'm doing to my hair =/
ahhh fuck it i'll just leave it down and curly
i shall hopefully put up some pics if i dont forget my camera :)
xxx

these last few days have been extremely fascinating and weird
not always in a good way

even though i was scared like fuck i was made to hold my new born baby second cousin on sunday
and it was fucking magical
i felt so happy
i dunno i just felt this connection
it was weird =/
i guess it was nice compared to other things that had happened and had angered me this weekend

anywho yesterday we had guests over for dinner
and especially when we were all younger
i was always close to all my boy cousins
and everytime one family had guests they'd invite like my whole dad's side which is like all my cousins and everything and it was great, i really miss that
so i dont get to see my cousins as much as i used to especially the boys
but 2 of my cousin brothers ( i call them cousin brothers cause even though they're my cousins they're pretty much just more brothers tbh. we are a close family of people. probably one thing i love about being indian is the love and respect in families including the extended family)
anywho it was just so good talking to them and seeing them cause nowadays i only see them now and again mostly i'll see them out somewhere with mates or they'll see me kind of thing
and we were just talking about how its leavers on wednesday
and one asked "what are you going in"
and i just pointed out the window at our cars and said how i couldnt really be bothered organising a nice car to go in etc
and he said "oh you should have just rang me i would have organised something for you and chauffered"
and then later on when the 2 of them were leaving cause they were off out somewhere he was putting his number into my phone and said "if you ever need anything, a lift, money, someone troubling you, absolutely anything just ring me"
i just found that so awesome
and made me so happy
like theres people looking out for me
i mean obviously theres my own brothers who i love to bits
but well ones in london and one i barely see so its just nice knowing i've got people there :)

i cant actually wait till this exam and leavers are over these next two days
cause then i can really concentrate on the summer and everything i want to do
i cant wait its gonna be good
i know it

duuudeee
one more exam left tomorrow
and its all over
i had so much to write on here this weekend
but i never got a chance to get on the comp
and all my thoughts on all that stuff is muddled now =/
cause i got really angry
then really happy
then really angry
and now i'm just relieved but slightly pissed off
ok i must go
revision is required

i feel like i have so much to do =/
ooooooh and how weird is the word vaguely?!?!
i finished something :) hehehehe
and i need to start something else
transferring pencils are a load of crap dudeee!
anywhooo
my brother and sister in law are down :)
they're all at my brother's friends wedding including my rents
i have to go to the reception tomorrow damn =/
so cant meet liam again. haha thats just jinxed i swear

anywhoooo
i like that word
anywhooooooooooooo
yeah anywho
my mum has been noticing that i cant stop being cold towards my cousin
so i told her basically why cause i'm sick of looking like the bad guy when really i'm the only one who REALLLLY knows what she is like
anywho when she asked for more detail i couldnt go into it in the end cause my other brother came from the other house
hmmmm i think i have a heated conversation ahead of me
i just hope she understands my way about this
i cant consider someone to have anything to do with me who insults my family and is a bare faced liar
eurgh i get angry too easily
MUST CONTROL IT
fight the urrrrge lol

in other words
i think a week in london is on the books for this summer :) woo hoo
and
about other things EXCITEDD

oh oh ohhh!
yesterday i went to my primary school fair with chez where we reminiced and took lots of pictures and stole stars of the week certificates andd left a little message on the computer and other similar things
i actually miss that place
alot of great memories were made there :)
and i love going back and seeing old faces
good times good times
but right now
its all about the future ;)

i should go revise and clean up soon hmmm =/

i'm so happpyyy :)
i hope the whole summer is spent this happy yeyyy ^^
i have to go into school tomorrow for a double period :(
damnnn
alls good
i'll be home :D
and i can do certain stuff ^^ YEYYY

its done!
yeyyyy i have flutterbys in my tummy ^^

my hands and neck are aching so much

i've been working on this one thing for fucking ages and i'm still nowhere near done

but its gonna be worth it :)

so most of yesterday i was kind of down and i had no idea why tbh
but i wasnt feeling all too good
so i sat to paint and was blasting music and i was alone and everything was good
and then everything just hit me and i now have a great idea
well i think its great
and ots like my whole world is sunnier (cept outside it isnt so sunny right now lol)
but yeah i feel so good
i cant stop daydream and fantasizing about this thing
and its the only thing on my mind and i love that!
i've stopped giving a damn about all the worries and concentrating on what could potentially be amazing :)
i just cant wait
and zarah is coming over today
and hopefully tomorrow we'll be going manc/her house to play tekken :')
good memories are to be made this summer i just know it


this is just the beginning


if i get a cat i'm going to call it solitude or moses LOL
xxx

i love love LOVE it when ideas pop into my head

i'm so excited

big things are gonna happen dude

simon amstell was amazing
i love that dude and he is so funny
and arnob his support act was brilliant too
i never knew amstell was gay! and he's had his haircut which i've begun to warm to
and on the side he looks like a 12 year old boy
and i still love him and am highly attracted to him lol
yesterday was really good
especially the points where i was with helen and the bits where the comedians were talking
i'm not gonna lie i'd have probably enjoyed it more if i was at simon amstell with different people
yeah i dont care who reads this
things have changed and i've moved forward
and its all good
i know what i want and thats how its gonna be from now on yep :)
i dont want to comprimise having an excellent time anymore to try and please people who dont really mean anything to me anymore so fuck it ^^

i would like to meet simon amstell on the street to rais up my hands and say "aids" and "i have that jumper"
if you werent there last night you wont get it aha

is it time to move on?
i mean everything happens for a reason right
so is the reason that
and just hope that if what i want is to be then fate will make it happen
at the end of the da its all down to fate isnt it
hmmmm i confuse myself too much
ohwell =/
i ant wait for tomorrow
good distraction yeyyyy :)

today is brilliant
even though i've barely done anything
last night i could let my mind drift and daydream until i slowly fell asleep
i've not been able to do that in so long
felt good dude
and now i can sit back
and draw and watch tv
brilliant :)

i am sat in my pjs
and its cold
and i have to get read to go to an exam
in a little over an hour
arghhhh its my second to last one
and after this i have like a 12 day break
andddd i have just been finishing my geography revision
andddd i'm kind of nervous =/
i want it to go help hopefully it will
haha i want to just prove noot that clellan was better teacher than she ever was!
i really dislike that woman
and yes when clellan first taught us i did in a myspace bulliten sayyyy
"clellan can go shove a globe up her vagina i dont give a shit about coursework"
or something along those lines haha ^^
but my thoughts on clellan have changed since then
ooooh i might go watch some scrubs to calm me down
i hate this feeling i keep getting before every exam
think i would not get it by now
anywhooo i'm off
bye dudes
xxxxxxxxxx

i have a new idea
i hope i go through with it
i need felt tips
all is after my exams this week
3 of which are tomorrow
so i need to stop procrastinating and revise
LATERSS

fucking helllll
at how much i need to know
and how much i wont even need to know in the end
shit fucking sucks dude
FUCKING SUCKS


its almost the end though
not close enough yet however

everyones already talking about summer
and it still feels like an age away for me :(
and i have 5 exams stading in the way of me and summer
shit fucking sucks duuude

eurgh
i am so exhausted
i am not looking forward to german reading and writing tomorrow
i want to get an A* though eurgh =/
whateverrr
whatever i get i deserve
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooot

after tomorrow
onlyyy
5 more exams to go
pshhhhtttt

dude i'm ill
it sucks balls
i'm sick of cramming infromation i shall never use again except for mostly 2 hours in an exam

haha how random
i had to wait like 20 minutes for my uncle to come pick me up
and in that time some dude leaned out of a car window and said "hi gorgeous" to me
creepy
and i helped an old man cross the road and he said something like "i'm usually fit and healthy. i've got a wife and 6 kids and i'm not dead yet"
or something like that couldnt really hear him cause he was mumbling


oh anddd last night i couldnt sleep so i wrote this:

Staring up to the heavens
His hands slowly raise above his head
He begs for forgiveness for the sins he did not commit
He held up his hands and with all his migh
He proclaimed his faith
His passion
Tears of fear and hope fell from his shaking eyes
He shook not for the blessed
But for those who would never feel the love he felt
And with that he fell to the ground
His devotion in his right hand
The sin of others in his left



I wake up and you're still there
but i dont really want you there anymore...

i have just embarked on a task far too big
when i probably should be revising
and which will take me far too long
but hopefully the sense of accomplishment i shall feel shall make up for that :)
i love how there are so many easy ways i could do this
but i choose the harder route
why cant americans say route properly?

dude my heads a mess
like all over the place
i cant concentrate my thoughts not even now
i barely know what i'm typing
and have to retype cause i keep making spelling mistakes and no sense
eurgh
i wish i didnt wish for what i wish
blahhhhhhhhh
i just want to go tescos haha
for 2 reasons
no 3
krispy kremes, cute ginger, a breaaaaaak from everything
i know tescos is a weird choice
but as my cousin established last night
i am weird :)
my attitude towards certain family memebers have changed
cause i've changed
and its good
but i havent changed
i'm just more myself
or am i =/
what am I exactly? that shy girl in the corner i used to be? hmmmm or is it all just a part of me really
WHERE DID THAT COME FROM
woahhhhhh i need to go

me: "ewww get off me with your sweaty hands"
cousin: "they're not sweaty they're moist"

hahahahahahaha



ha

today was pleasant :)

with a european theme i swear

i felt like i was in another country! haha

ohhhh i dont know what to write my mind is too full to make sense of

maybe next tiiime

duuuudes
i had this thing i wanted to write about that i've been stewing over in my head
but i dunno how to word it anymore :S
i used up all my writing skills in english lit exam today sorry!
maybe next time haha
i cant wait to get my scrapbook

new painting :)

with my new symbol i'm putting on all my stuff now in the bottom right hand corner wheyyy

original supertwigg picture

eurgh i've been on the phone to local soliciters for hours asking about work experience
either they're all booked
dont offer it
or "will get back to me"
duuuude
i dont even want to go into law wtf!
hmmm i might try accountants or photographers later
i dunnoooooo
if i still cant find anything
helllooooooo tescos? lol!
hmmm nahhhhh

anywho now to start english revision

oh and i've had two ideas in the shower this morning lol
which i'm very excited about :) yeyyyy

i cant seem to concentrate on anything right now
and i need to
fuck i cant even be bothered to do this

i know this is two blogs in one day
but fucking deal with it ;)
i cant believe i have barely needed to do any revision
i fucking know this shit
i hope
anywho
so i decided to straighten my hair cause i havent in ages so i thought
MIGHT ASWELL
and duuuuude i havent realised how fucking long its got!
its probably about 15cm shorter than my waist
its not been this long in a LOOONG time
i had to tie it back now though cause it was making my neck warm
its like a neck blanket
hahahahaha
anywho back to the point
right normally i'm like fuck i wish i could cut my hair
and the reason i dont is cause my dad like's it long and yes i'm a parent pleaser haha
well i have to some ways seeing as i lie to them now and again eeeppp
anywho well yeah i was just thinking
i'm kind of proud of my how long my hair is and i want to keep it long
i dunno its just different i guess
so yeah i dunno why all that matters but it does to me so deal with it
anywhooo i've just been taking pictures...of myself
no i'm not vaiiin!
and no they're not myspace pics
i dont have myspace hahaha! i just wanted something to edit
and i think its amazing what you can do to pictures even if you dont have photoshop
all i've eddited is like brightness saturation colour temperature and stuff and this is what i got

i hatew the fact i'm in the pictures lol but i like some of the effects

comment me

no one barely ever comments me :) lol

and you can be anonymous noww!

i hate how this is taking so long to print
right now i hate how my mind wont rest
i want to sit in the front
with the windows wide open
blast some good music
and revise
which is what i shall be doing
soon as all this has finished printing
i desperately want to be alone
but i wish someone good was here

my printer is running out of ink
i still have about 20 pages to print
meh i can get that down to about 3 i think
cause i'm a genious ;)
also cause i already have most of these pages
i'm just wasting time

i've been thinking about old friends
the ones i was so close to only a few years ago
and who i havent heard from in years
its weird to think at one time i had kind of two different identities
3 even
not necessarily that i am totally different with different groups of friends
but it is kind of different
a nice different
but i dont want that back
i want something new
something i've never had before
but i dont really think will ever happen
hmmm
ohwell

by the way i'm allowing all comments now
even anonymous ones
i'm sick of the past
i want the future

i had my first gcse exam today
and unlike some others
it went well
to be honest i'm just gonna say it
reallly well
considering this is my second to hardest one
bring on the rest :)
in other news
today was some people's last days
many cried
it was awkward
i need to learn to deal with that kind of emotion =/

its weird
i give advice as if i know all the answers
as if i am this wise motherfucker who knows everything and has been through everything and now has this amazing life
but actually its just as fucked up as everyone else
but you know what i'll carry on not speaking from experience just in some hope that somehow i'll talk some sense
and someone might benifit from something i say
maybe, just maybe

everytime i go to put in http://www.blogspot.com/

i always but http://www.blogspto.com/ :S weirrrd

its like how i cant spell recly arghhhh reclycling on a computer :S

i always go reclycling =/



something made me smile abit ago but i cant remember what

i almost got run over by a car today, seriously the bonnet hit my legs

hmmmm



today has not been good

tomorrow be better



the weather is lovely though ^^

let it be like this in summer



i want fun days out- alton towers yes?

hopefully :)

beach anyone? tell me you want to come and i'll organise it yerrrr

wow when i was signing in and the names of blogs come on that have recently been added to or something like that
"gujerati club" came on! haha i was about to click on it but i was too late and it dissappeared :(
i must find it again
dude its a 3 day weekend :)
cept i'm spending it most probably learning a fuck load of german for my german oral (the speaking kind) on tuesday =/
hahahaha my mum's come home with my aunt's shoes cause they have the same ones :')
ermmm reet well lets see
somethings affected me that i wish wouldnt and didnt actually think would anymore so thats kind of annoying =/
dont ask me what it is i'm not likely to say
worst thing is i feel like such a dick for even letting it bother me =/
i'm just glad that some things stop other stuff affecting me
arghhh i barely know wtf i'm saying now =/
i think i'm just having a confusing night
but all in all besides a few things today has been quite light hearted and a laugh so thats good :)
theres now 5 more school days before my first exam =/ fucking hell. which HAS to be on the last day =
just hoping this week is gonna be full of laughs and fun
*fingers crossed* :)

i was asked to write something to put in my friend's book she was making
this is what i wrote (in about a minute so sorry if its crap!)


Life is about pushing the limits
And no one will leave it without scars
The key is not to hide them under clothing, attitudes and lies
But to bear them for all to see
So that they can see even after all that
You learnt, you succeeded.
We fear rejection and so do not gain acceptance
Fight for what you believe in - freedom fighter or terrorist?
Don’t move forwards, don’t move backwards
It’s time to explore every direction
The box doesn’t exist…

dudeeee!
today i have finished gcse art forever!
YEY
no more late nights gluing stuff in and using fucking o.5 mm nib pen when i need a fucking marker! lol
all in all i'm actually gonna miss it =/
mostly the lessons though
my dad might come to my art exhibition
LOL
:)

There once was a seven legged spider called sebastian.
he had lost his eighth leg whilst sun bathing in the bahamas
he went to the resort's lost and found but they only had a thousand pounds which sebastian had also apparently 'lost'
while he was walking along the beach, counting his money, a giant jelly fish with elephant ears reverse belly flopped out of the sea

he warned sebastian that his missing leg was trapped in the depths of the irish forest. The jelly fish with elephant ears asked sebastian where he could get loo roll with a story on it
Lucky for the jelly fish with elephant ears sebastian made such a wonderful thing for a living


sebastian then shuffled to the airport and bought a ticket to ireland with his thousand pounds and a green sweater as he thought that'd help him fit in

whilst asleep on the plane sebastian dreamed of lepracauns with pots of gold and 4 leaf clovers

all of a sudden sebastian was shooken awake. the plane was jolting violently as if it was a mere toy subject to the hatred of the elements outside. sebastian feared for his life and for the krispy kreme doughnut he had saved in his handluggage for later

blurred shapes of green slowly came into focus and sebastian found himself on the forrest floor. he had arrived at his destination. he wondered what fate would have instore for him and his missing leg next

END OF PART 1

some old pictures that make me smile whenever i see them
gonna post a few
probably more to come:

my brother Mukhtar. have you ever seen a bigger poser? lol


Mukhtar again. mum said he would take that teddy everywhere with him. 1 2 3 awhhh *wretches* ;)


both my brothers. younger one called Mohammed. thats him at a time in his life where he doesnt look scary :O lol


Mohammed again, doesnt he look cute? what ever happened =/ lol

thats Mukhtar and that little bundle of joy you see there is indeed me ^^ haha


Mohammed holding me. see even i look surprised and i'm only a baby! lol


moi. even then i always had a confused look on my face lol



lol thats me in the middle obviously only wanting to eat my foot ^^ and my two cousins

me and my cousin, what is with my hair lol! And see! i was a chubby baby :)

me and my grandma. love this pic even if its fuzzy. wish she was still here

meee yeyyy lol. check out the carpets ^^ is it weird that i quite like the dress i'm wearing? lol

we still have them doors lol

football star of the future? maybe? no? awhhhh =/

How come it never snows like that anymore ey!!

My first bike :') oh the memories! i still remember learning to ride without training wheels for the first time lol

hehe we still have that rug ^^, luckily no longer the heater or the carpet lol! still have the plants though

mnawwwhhhh primary school ^^ how i miss it. well actually i mostly just miss nursery lol!

well thats enough for now :)

tonight i say fuck it to revision

today has pretty much been horrible
and as the days go past things are getting worse again
its the last few weeks and i just wish it wasnt like this
i want to have a laugh
all the time
i want to go out on the field and enjoy the sun
run around like an idiot
have some fun! ffs
whyyyy is everyone so damn uptight?

at school theres 4 other people i hang out with most of the time
and when i'm with 2 its ok but boring and i feel kind of on the outside
and when i'm with the other 2 its ok but boring but again feel like an outsider
and then when we're all together its torture! no one says a word and as much as i try to engage conversation theres no response. fucking awkward or what!
i cant wait for the holidays just to get away from the people i should consider some of my closest friends
its fucked up and i just dont know what to do about it =/
advice/help anyone? hmmmmm

i love it when the days are longer
and the evenings are sunny
this weekend i'm gonna go out and walk again for as long as i can

i ate too much lasagne but it was very nice

i'm starting to long for summer again
just as i thought things were getting better i feel stuck in this rut again
i dont know how to make it better
life needs to be more interesting. now

i miss someone so much, i wish i didnt
and its not who you think
i wish i didnt because i dont think i should
my head is a mess =/
i guess it never isnt
but more so then usual

we say we have learnt something from an experience
but when it comes to actually changing our ways because of what we learnt
we rarely ever do
this is my last chance of salvaging something good out of something thats turned so bad

sleep is a waste of time
there is so many things i could be doing instead
like nothing

4 more weeks? ish
i need to do artwork

this is all over the place
ich bin allein, ich werde....ich weisses nicht
dunno how to do s set on the computer ahwell

ooops i havent posted anything in a whileee
i've just been so busy REVISING
and i'm being serious! i'm so proud
not much to say really
went london this weekend, was boring
especially compared to my other recent trips there
probably cause i went with my rents this time
anywhooo
ONE good thing that came out of it
i've been promised roadtrip round wales and going down south to cornwall and cliffs of dover and stuff this summer =D
yey!
AND if i get good results
BARCELONA
how fucking good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
which is pretty much why i'm bothering revising lol!
andddd liverpool playing tonight
BETTER WIN
sooo i better go get some work done before the match
later chaps ^^ xxxxx

old photos are amazing
the past few days my parents have been digging up all our old photos
and there is alot of them!
from back in the 60s when my dad first came here
his wedding
photos of me and my 2 brothers since we were babies
every one of them holds so many memories and unkown stories that i've been finding out
its been well good
and theres so much to laugh at too
i spent hours yesterday evening sorting out only half of them!
me and my dad have decided we're gonna make a dvd out of all of them which means even more hours retaking the pictures on my camera but i'm looking forward to it
soon as i start taking pictures i'm gonna post my favourites on here and you can all laugh at me and my family :)

i cant believe i only have, including today, 6 days left till school
hmmm
i havent done much this holiday
was still nice
nowww onlyyy
from the first day i go back
5 weeks and 4 days? till my first exam
eeesh
doesnt sound long when its put like that
well good luck to me i guess lol

x

i've always felt like the odd one out in my family
and i dont mean with my parents and siblings
i mean with like my extended family
most of my close family on my dad's side live quite near to us and we see them often
and i havent always felt totally happy around them lets just say
but tbh i've realised
things are better
i'm not the same little kid that was a push over and took everything to heart
in a sense i've grown and its good
and now i realise that even with all the comments and yeah..stuff
they're my family, they're always there and i do love them :)

on the other haaand
theres my mum's side of the family
who are mostly in india
and i'm fine with most of them
theres the usual teasing when i go there cause i'm english and i have like 19 cousins there
but hey thats what family's for ey
but right
my parents have, over the past few years, sponsored 3 of my cousins and my uncle to come here
for them to study and for my uncle to work and build a life here
they've lived with us
and let me tell you i live in a very small house = and it has been very crowded at times
but i'm not a brat, i've never complained, i dealt with it right
one of my cousins is married and lives in london, she was a bitch tbh, i have my reasons to call her that,
two years ago her sister came down and still lives here now
she's worse...
especially the last few months i've turned to hating her. seriously its too much now.
i'm in the room on the computer and she is on the phone to her sister slagging off my brother and sister in law! the two most important people in my life! who in their right minds does that?
not only that
but on many an occasion she has lied about my other brother
and slagged me and him off too WHILE I AM IN THE ROOM
wtf does she think? that i'm stupid and i dont realise its about me? wow you said it in gujerati cause i obviously dont understand :@
and whispering stuff reallllly means i cant hear it doesnt it?
worst beyond all was a few days ago
she slagged off the two people that she should be fucking praising!
my mum and dad!
the two people who have gone through all the trouble to get her here so she can have a good education
have given here free accomodation, food, care, EVERYTHING over the past 2 years
the people who are doing everything to make sure she has a good and secure future
how fucking dare she!
her father died when she was young
and i have never known a person so loving as her mother, my aunt. she is truly a great person
and treats her daughters as if they are amazing human beings
but they arent
not one bit
and i'm sick of them making me feel like crap when they have no fucking right
but i dont say anything. why?
cause i dont think their mother deserves to know what kind of people her daughters are
why should i offer them any respect when they can treat me and my family like such crap?
theres alot more but i cba giving a fuck anymore
i know its not nice to say
but i cant wait till she leaves this place so i dont have to face such a fake every fucking day
i dont care how harsh i sound, for the first time in ages i'm truly furious
and i think its better for my and her sake that i vent on this rather than fucking taking out my anger on her or myself physically
which, only a few years ago i would have done

you know them moments where you've realised that everyrhings changed
that pivotal point where everything that you once thought was habit was gone and everything was new and different
yeahhhhh.....that never happens
i hate it when you're feeling "ohhh lifes so boring right now i need a change"
which i've felt alot
but what you dont realise is things are changing
but its all happening so slowly you dont realise its happening till suddenly you look back and you see it all
everything, how it happened over time
its weird
anywhooooo
i cant think of much to write on this thing
its been a pretty unproductive holiday, which is good in one sense, bad in another
i really need to get my head straight and write a hell of alot of notes tomorrow
and do some art, that needs to be done hmmm

i'm saving up for something
and i dont know what =/
a good summer?...maybe, maybe, pleaaase

i still owe £20

next term at school is looking slightly better
but not the same, not what it was
meh

what i get up to

yeah soo i have indeed been drawing more recently

and so i thought i'd start sharing my drawings on here

and maybe one day i could get paid for doing something i love yerrrr

isnt it a lovely day ^^
nice day for a walk yus?
hopefully i can go out and draw in the sunshine yerrr :D

(many hours later)

just got back from my walk
it felt really good
cept now my ears are really cold :S
was nice to just go wherever my feet took me
i went to places i'd never been before and they weren't anything special
but it felt special =/ this doesnt make sense
its like when they say you can find beauty in the most unlikely places
it was kind of like that
i came across this field, think it was a school footy pitch or something
and up the sides there was this slope so i climbed up and sat down and just looked around at all the moors surrounding and the clouds and then sat down and started drawing
and for the first time in quite a while i felt good :)
you can tell i'm gonna be going on more walks this holiday lol

would also be nice if someone would join me maybe?
comment maybeee?
lol

the worst feeling is being lonely
even when theres so many people around

you know those days where you barely speak a few words now and then
but your thinking and daydreaming essays of stuff

and you just want to talk to someone
feel noticed, wanted, and all those other stupid feelings
we're not meant to be alone on this earth right?

i think about approaching someone
calling anyone and sorting something out
go somewhere have an amazing time and forget everything negative
but i camt
cause i dont know whether they'd truly want me around or not
and to be honest the latter seems highly more likely right now with everyone

whoever, if anyone in fact, reads this
dont bother trying to care
cause its gonna be out of sympathy and you know it no matter how much you try to deny that
and thats seriously the last thing i want

i have so much to say, but i cant
cause i cant spill out everything on some website thats not how it works
or over some so called "conversation" on myspace
its just not real enough anymore

i'm gonna try and make tomorrow different
i dont want to spend it in this fucking shithole anylonger
even if it means just escaping on my own walking till theres nowhere else to go
least its something

this blog is so stupid

the email off myspace to cancel my account has finally come
my phone contract finished today
so tbh i'm probably gonna lose total contact with alot of people if i cancel it
hmmmmm
i'm gonna do it
time for a new start properly without all that shit yeah ;)

and its done
says its gonna take up to 48 hours
ooosh well thats that then :) lol

also no one try and call/text me. i wont be getting it lol

heres to new beginnings
LATERS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-0fdZx2ZCk

ian : "you didnt even look, you just looked at me dead in the eye, here you go have another, there you go"

that was ian showing me his nipple :)
i miss that night so bad :(
bring it back please?

dude i want to die!

and even so i now wish i was doing art next year :S
wtf is wrong with me!

i need the new jon burgerman book
more than anything i really want it :
i shall try begging my dad
lets see what happens ey =/

i'm gonna make of list of things that i want to do atleast once in my life :)



i need to write a longer blog soon

fucking idiot

aprehensive

this year feels reall weird
its going slowly and fast at the same time :S

i'm still feeling cold inside
i have been ALL day
its such a weird feeling

today for once i shall complete all homework firstly being the report and essay i need to write
got more gcse results back today for the exams i took in january
got A*s in both maths and biology
and i'm glad. ofcourse, who wouldnt be. but i'm also not really all too bothered, as in i feel no different =/
there were a few people crying today, really awkward.

errrrrrrrmm what else
i cant stop thinking about this summer and going 6th form
but not in a "wow its gonna be so good" way
but in a "hmmmm i dont think summer's gonna be good and i'm still unsure about how 6th forms gonna be"
which is kind of good cause if they're crap i'll have already expected it
and if they're good i shall be pleasantly surprised lol

the venue's been booked for leavers.
i think alot of people are gonna go all out for it
which would be nice i guess but even for that i'm not really bothered cause i'm not leaving
so its just gonna be a big party for me haha ^^

someone just push me now and again this easter to make sure i'm working please?
i would quite like to get very good marks please! thankyou

hmmm thats all for now
x

i havent posted anything in a while

the other day someone reminded me of someone that i've not thought about in a very long time
this person did mean alot to me even though i rarely admitted anything along those lines
having someone like them always there if you need them
i guess you just dont miss that till its gone
i dont know if its just because i am the person i am
but no matter how hard i try
i cant convince myself that this person was a dick to be honest
i know in my head that they probably are
but theres a part of me, like in every fucking situation
thats telling myself, it must have been me, i must have done something wrong
but what

because of them i lost someone else who at the time
even though they shouldnt have
meant the whole fucking world to me, which when i look back seems so stupid now
and i'm so angry at myself for even thinking so much of them
but this person
they filled the void that was left
they reminded me that i still had someone there
but now
for a reason i dont even know
i've lost them

walking home yesterday
i didnt have my ipod
so i thought i'd call someone to help pass the time
so i was looking at my phone and...i remembered them
cause normally whenever i used to come home from being out i'd ring them
i dont even know why i did it
but i set my number to private and rung them
it rang a few times and so i thought they'd probably changed their number or something so i was just about to put it down then,
"hello"

i put it down straight away, but a part of me wishes i hadnt =/
i know i've got to move on
like i always seem to have to do when i always lose someone important

but this time

there doesnt seem to be anyone to fill this new void =/

titles are restrictive to the rest of the text

to label something is to give it a name, an identity
someones property
controlled

full stops imply the end
no more
controlled

patterns imply continuity and predictability
so lets stop this now eh?

whatever one person thinks has probably already been thought of a million times over
whatever one person does has probably already been done a million times over
and yet we are ashamed
we lie
we conceal the truth
why?
sure to be enlightened is to accept yourself and reveal all
to no longer feel shame
if so then who is enlightened? anyone?
....anyone at all?

if people accepted themselves would they walk around naked?
wouldnt some wear clothes purely because they liked clothes?
would we all accept that we were the same, equal
or that we are all individuals and can act differently?

or is enlightenment your total acceptance of God, religion and how it tells you to live?

whatever problem you have theres someone who has a problem worse than you
so whats the bottom?
surely its got to be something
cancer?
hunger?
poverty?
what is the worst problem in the world?

numbers are amazing
they are infinite
they have no beginning and they have no end


i've been reading fight club and i remembered this:
primary year 6
and i cant even remember how it started
but me and cheral who i considered my best friend fought
we went at each other as hard as we could
children around us chanting "fight fight fight!"
adrenaline spurring us on
neither of us wanted to give in
i remember feeling elated
it felt like i was letting go
i was hurtling towards freedom
and somehow we just collectively stopped
hugged
and that was that
life continued as normal
i've never forgotten that
and so often i just wish to be back there
letting go
with no fear of change or consequence afterwards

procrastination(i think thats how you spell it :S)

its been a long time since i've posted on here
and i choose the time i'm meant to be doing artwork to do it :)
typical lol
theres not even much i want to write at the moment
its just a way to pass the time i guess
hmmm the amount of food adverts on tv ALWAYS makes me hungry :S
i have doritos somewhere :)
yeahhhh
life is abit meh at the moment
i feel like i'm missing out on something its weird :S
and that i havent talked to so many people in so long
hmmmmmmm
i need to post something
soon

gcse's officially begin

got my art question paper on friday
and i know that i have to work hard and concentrate this time
cause its the real thing
not only for others but for myself too :)

AND i have been doing quite well ^^
got some really good ideas
know what i want to do
shall discuss it tomorrow with the kidd
and hopefully she'll like it :)
i'm so focused on it all for once
that i had ideas come in my dreams :S
but i can only remember one oops lol

one thing i dont often do is remember my dreams
which is a bit of a shame cause the ones i have remembered are always really weird and interesting
its great haha

it snowed yesterday!
and melted by like half 11 pffffft
ohwell still snowed lol
reminded me of the last time it snowed and i called round chez and we had a snowball fight in my court haha ^^ good times
and instead of building a snow man we built a snow dead sheep =D lmao
and one of us didnt have any gloves cant remember who :S lol so we each had one glove on ^^
and then chavs tried to terrorise us and hit us with snowballs
but every one of them missed :P that was a good moment lol!
awhhh i miss that day ^^

x

days are getting harder

i cant be bothered doing a proper post right now
maybe later if i cant get to sleep

i just want a good day
a really good day
hmmmmmmmmm

bitterness

you know when you're aound someone
and you just feel comfrtable
you dont need to worry about how you're being percieved
you dont have to worry about the amount you speak
there are no awkward silences because you just dont need to speak
day by day i feel as if i'm losing that with people

you know when someone says something
and just by the tone of their voice
or the look on their face
you can tell they have been discussing this about you to someone else
day by day i feel as if thats been happening alot more recently

hmmmmm
the old feelings of loneliness and alienation
outcast
all those famliar feelngs of my past i've come to dread
all flooding back

from now on i'm gonna write down all the memories i can think of
just to be able to reflect, recall. contemplate
no matter how small or petty or pointless they may b

memory number 1.

as far back as i can remember i've spent a vast amount of time daydreaming
thinking up all these different scenarios in my head
i dont really know why i do it
being the only girl, the age gap between me and my brothers so large i guess did contribute to me just retreating within my own mind
i find some comfort in daydreaming....its weird
i guess theres that element of control

anyway the actually memory!
i can remember it being quite a nice sunny day
i think i was about 7 or 8
and you know you get them plastic tennis rackets
well i had a hand-me-down one of my brothers
yes all my toys were mostly just my brothers' old ones
and people wonder why have boyish qualities in my personality
try growing up with two older brothers...my excuse for everything :)
ANYWAY i'm so easily sideracked :S
so i was out by the side of the house where theres the turn in into my court
and i was playing my version of tennis against the wall
and i just remember having this daydrea of someone just walking by
who was this world class tennis coach and him seeing i was really good (i was infact very crap but ohwell haha)
and then i like travelled the world playing all these tournaments
and yet when anyone did appear which happened now and again i'd stop playing and like fast walk towards the front door or into our small garden
to hide in amongst the washing lol
even ten i was wary of the people in my area
i dont live in the nicest of areas...al too often i've had some uite nasty confrontations with chavs and troublemakers (lol i like that word) in my area :S
hmmmm not nice at all
being indian doesnt help either
ahwell what can you do

thats all you're gtting for now

x

product of the night

touch my soul fast,
its not hard,
a few compliments and long words,
i'm yours,
you are proud of your goodbye,
finally you got it right,
tilting your head to the side,
your prizeworthy stare baring into me,
reading me like i am your victim,
i am your victim.

the fear of rejection building up inside me,
you've got me exactly where you want me this time,
no standing in a corner, no back against the wall,
no no, thats too cliche,
turn your back walk away,
i stand in the cold,
abandon me,
hearts race,
you're getting too good at this.

i move within a vector,
+3 to the right,
-10 downwards,
collapse into that familiar spiral,
here i go again,
learning something doesnt stop it from happening.

you glance in my direction,
caught me in the act....destroying,
loud screams like black trumpets,
forget your aim to impress,
your posture ruined,
once a companion,
today my worst nightmare.

slow down head,
mind,
brain,
breathe...1....2.....3,
you cut.deep,
everything spills out,
i am empty, vulnerable.

you left me in my state so unsure of yourself,
what happened brave soldier?
you know, the one that boasts the scars of victory,
freedom fighter or terrorist?
at night try and escape the demons of guilt,
sorry,
they're unwilling to leave you yet.

i am clean of you,
like paper clean of ink,
then why is this sheet splattered with black feelings?...

oh by the way

i have a new infactuation with alex james, the bassist from blur
he amazes me

read his autobiography: "bit of a blur"
its really good

signs of insanity

for the last 4 maybe 5 weekends all i've seen is the inside of my house
i'm daydreaming more than normal
i feel more restless than normal
i'm fidgety and shaky more than normal ffs!
I'M READING AGAIN
but thats more a bid to regain sanity to be honest
i need to get out so bad
i was so looking forward to yesterday
and then family had to ruin it....as usual
the more i'm in the house the more i long to get out
i still need to post that thing
damn
i just want to fast forward the next few years
i've always felt the need to never wait for things to happen but to make them happen
what if you try that and still...nothing
i have hobbies
but even they just dont seem very inviting at the moment
i feel out of touch with friends....humanity...normality
i seriously am feeling like i'm stuck in a prison
no bars no locked doors
yet still i cant get out of here
pftt

x

ho hum exams are done

aaaand back to normal lessons which is kinda shit...well very shit
but ohwellll
got my english results back...A* :) i am pleased with that. very pleased and i'm not gonna fucking hide it hmmph
life is slowly getting extremely boring
something needs to happen
really really badly
i need a good laugh
just a day where everythings good and i laugh all day
hmmmmm

peer mentoring is pretty good so far :)
i'm quite enjoying it so all is well ^^
cept its quite funny that my mentee whos in year 7 has a boyfriend and heres lonely me haha :) ahwell

i really really need to get out this saturday
somehow please i must!
i have been stuck in this house for so damn long!
and i have lots of free time which is great thanks to no myspace
but not much to fill it with :S
i'm getting back into reading though which is good ^^
i love reading but the book has to be good..really good
i used to read so much when i was younger that now i have a very high standard when it comes to books
and after reading chuck palahnuik (that looks right i think) other books just dont come anywhere near as good as them!

hmmm i really dont understand smoking
seriously it smells disgusting and its fucking bad for you
why not just go get a nicorette patch instead? get the dosage of nicotine without all the fucking carcinogens and tar and the rest of the crap thats in them stupid little sticks
and if you just need something to do and its just a habit go get nicorette gum!
ffs
i dont care if this offends anyone (haha i talk like people actually read this thing :') ) this is my blog and i shall rant about whatever the fuck i want lol

i so want this year and summer to be amazing
yet i'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up
cause i kind of dont think its gonna be :S ARGHHHH
i've probably already said this
but i need something new to happen
i know i should get off my lazy arse and make something happen
but that is so much easier said then done
hmmmm

x

why is the last day always the hardest?

i swear i've been trying to revise history for my second to last exam tomorrow morning since friday
but i cant help but put it off
you know that feeling that "its the last day yey!" thats so overwhelming that although that little voice is trying to tell you
"ok you should revise for your last 2 exams just as much as the first two"
but you're like FUCK THAT i just want to enjoy the fact its almost over
and then the lazy arse side of you kicks in and all you can think is ohhhh i'll do it later it'll be fiiine
i swear i'm gonna be up all night AGAIN to revise this shit
i only got like an hour/ two hours sleep last night and oh my word i'm kind of regretting it
even though i watched some funny videos
that was about all i did
what a waste of valuable sleep or even revision time
ohwellllll
of all people i guess i should be used to not sleeping
being a slight...ok more than slight insomniac :)
and i've been trying so hard (mostly failing) to get enough sleep this exam period!
mehhhhh
OH andddd best ways to pass time when you've finished the paper but still have like half an hour left in an exam
1. sing random songs
2, mess with your calculator and write rude words or add up every consecutive number from 1 to 100 and see if you get 5050. that always makes me smile i have no clue why
3. day dream alot (sleeping for me is not an option as i just cant :( it sucks)
4. (next two i;ve discovered this exam period and have really worked) doodle a hell of alot on the back of your exam (if you're worried of being told off like a pussy then do it in pencil and just rub it out duhhh)
5.(my favourite exam pass time) tower building with stationary! its bloody brilliant. seriously i advise this one haha

well th.th.th.th.that's all folks ;)
xxx