bitterness

you know when you're aound someone
and you just feel comfrtable
you dont need to worry about how you're being percieved
you dont have to worry about the amount you speak
there are no awkward silences because you just dont need to speak
day by day i feel as if i'm losing that with people

you know when someone says something
and just by the tone of their voice
or the look on their face
you can tell they have been discussing this about you to someone else
day by day i feel as if thats been happening alot more recently

hmmmmm
the old feelings of loneliness and alienation
outcast
all those famliar feelngs of my past i've come to dread
all flooding back

from now on i'm gonna write down all the memories i can think of
just to be able to reflect, recall. contemplate
no matter how small or petty or pointless they may b

memory number 1.

as far back as i can remember i've spent a vast amount of time daydreaming
thinking up all these different scenarios in my head
i dont really know why i do it
being the only girl, the age gap between me and my brothers so large i guess did contribute to me just retreating within my own mind
i find some comfort in daydreaming....its weird
i guess theres that element of control

anyway the actually memory!
i can remember it being quite a nice sunny day
i think i was about 7 or 8
and you know you get them plastic tennis rackets
well i had a hand-me-down one of my brothers
yes all my toys were mostly just my brothers' old ones
and people wonder why have boyish qualities in my personality
try growing up with two older brothers...my excuse for everything :)
ANYWAY i'm so easily sideracked :S
so i was out by the side of the house where theres the turn in into my court
and i was playing my version of tennis against the wall
and i just remember having this daydrea of someone just walking by
who was this world class tennis coach and him seeing i was really good (i was infact very crap but ohwell haha)
and then i like travelled the world playing all these tournaments
and yet when anyone did appear which happened now and again i'd stop playing and like fast walk towards the front door or into our small garden
to hide in amongst the washing lol
even ten i was wary of the people in my area
i dont live in the nicest of areas...al too often i've had some uite nasty confrontations with chavs and troublemakers (lol i like that word) in my area :S
hmmmm not nice at all
being indian doesnt help either
ahwell what can you do

thats all you're gtting for now

x