days are getting harder

i cant be bothered doing a proper post right now
maybe later if i cant get to sleep

i just want a good day
a really good day
hmmmmmmmmm

bitterness

you know when you're aound someone
and you just feel comfrtable
you dont need to worry about how you're being percieved
you dont have to worry about the amount you speak
there are no awkward silences because you just dont need to speak
day by day i feel as if i'm losing that with people

you know when someone says something
and just by the tone of their voice
or the look on their face
you can tell they have been discussing this about you to someone else
day by day i feel as if thats been happening alot more recently

hmmmmm
the old feelings of loneliness and alienation
outcast
all those famliar feelngs of my past i've come to dread
all flooding back

from now on i'm gonna write down all the memories i can think of
just to be able to reflect, recall. contemplate
no matter how small or petty or pointless they may b

memory number 1.

as far back as i can remember i've spent a vast amount of time daydreaming
thinking up all these different scenarios in my head
i dont really know why i do it
being the only girl, the age gap between me and my brothers so large i guess did contribute to me just retreating within my own mind
i find some comfort in daydreaming....its weird
i guess theres that element of control

anyway the actually memory!
i can remember it being quite a nice sunny day
i think i was about 7 or 8
and you know you get them plastic tennis rackets
well i had a hand-me-down one of my brothers
yes all my toys were mostly just my brothers' old ones
and people wonder why have boyish qualities in my personality
try growing up with two older brothers...my excuse for everything :)
ANYWAY i'm so easily sideracked :S
so i was out by the side of the house where theres the turn in into my court
and i was playing my version of tennis against the wall
and i just remember having this daydrea of someone just walking by
who was this world class tennis coach and him seeing i was really good (i was infact very crap but ohwell haha)
and then i like travelled the world playing all these tournaments
and yet when anyone did appear which happened now and again i'd stop playing and like fast walk towards the front door or into our small garden
to hide in amongst the washing lol
even ten i was wary of the people in my area
i dont live in the nicest of areas...al too often i've had some uite nasty confrontations with chavs and troublemakers (lol i like that word) in my area :S
hmmmm not nice at all
being indian doesnt help either
ahwell what can you do

thats all you're gtting for now

x

product of the night

touch my soul fast,
its not hard,
a few compliments and long words,
i'm yours,
you are proud of your goodbye,
finally you got it right,
tilting your head to the side,
your prizeworthy stare baring into me,
reading me like i am your victim,
i am your victim.

the fear of rejection building up inside me,
you've got me exactly where you want me this time,
no standing in a corner, no back against the wall,
no no, thats too cliche,
turn your back walk away,
i stand in the cold,
abandon me,
hearts race,
you're getting too good at this.

i move within a vector,
+3 to the right,
-10 downwards,
collapse into that familiar spiral,
here i go again,
learning something doesnt stop it from happening.

you glance in my direction,
caught me in the act....destroying,
loud screams like black trumpets,
forget your aim to impress,
your posture ruined,
once a companion,
today my worst nightmare.

slow down head,
mind,
brain,
breathe...1....2.....3,
you cut.deep,
everything spills out,
i am empty, vulnerable.

you left me in my state so unsure of yourself,
what happened brave soldier?
you know, the one that boasts the scars of victory,
freedom fighter or terrorist?
at night try and escape the demons of guilt,
sorry,
they're unwilling to leave you yet.

i am clean of you,
like paper clean of ink,
then why is this sheet splattered with black feelings?...

oh by the way

i have a new infactuation with alex james, the bassist from blur
he amazes me

read his autobiography: "bit of a blur"
its really good

signs of insanity

for the last 4 maybe 5 weekends all i've seen is the inside of my house
i'm daydreaming more than normal
i feel more restless than normal
i'm fidgety and shaky more than normal ffs!
I'M READING AGAIN
but thats more a bid to regain sanity to be honest
i need to get out so bad
i was so looking forward to yesterday
and then family had to ruin it....as usual
the more i'm in the house the more i long to get out
i still need to post that thing
damn
i just want to fast forward the next few years
i've always felt the need to never wait for things to happen but to make them happen
what if you try that and still...nothing
i have hobbies
but even they just dont seem very inviting at the moment
i feel out of touch with friends....humanity...normality
i seriously am feeling like i'm stuck in a prison
no bars no locked doors
yet still i cant get out of here
pftt

x

ho hum exams are done

aaaand back to normal lessons which is kinda shit...well very shit
but ohwellll
got my english results back...A* :) i am pleased with that. very pleased and i'm not gonna fucking hide it hmmph
life is slowly getting extremely boring
something needs to happen
really really badly
i need a good laugh
just a day where everythings good and i laugh all day
hmmmmm

peer mentoring is pretty good so far :)
i'm quite enjoying it so all is well ^^
cept its quite funny that my mentee whos in year 7 has a boyfriend and heres lonely me haha :) ahwell

i really really need to get out this saturday
somehow please i must!
i have been stuck in this house for so damn long!
and i have lots of free time which is great thanks to no myspace
but not much to fill it with :S
i'm getting back into reading though which is good ^^
i love reading but the book has to be good..really good
i used to read so much when i was younger that now i have a very high standard when it comes to books
and after reading chuck palahnuik (that looks right i think) other books just dont come anywhere near as good as them!

hmmm i really dont understand smoking
seriously it smells disgusting and its fucking bad for you
why not just go get a nicorette patch instead? get the dosage of nicotine without all the fucking carcinogens and tar and the rest of the crap thats in them stupid little sticks
and if you just need something to do and its just a habit go get nicorette gum!
ffs
i dont care if this offends anyone (haha i talk like people actually read this thing :') ) this is my blog and i shall rant about whatever the fuck i want lol

i so want this year and summer to be amazing
yet i'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up
cause i kind of dont think its gonna be :S ARGHHHH
i've probably already said this
but i need something new to happen
i know i should get off my lazy arse and make something happen
but that is so much easier said then done
hmmmm

x

why is the last day always the hardest?

i swear i've been trying to revise history for my second to last exam tomorrow morning since friday
but i cant help but put it off
you know that feeling that "its the last day yey!" thats so overwhelming that although that little voice is trying to tell you
"ok you should revise for your last 2 exams just as much as the first two"
but you're like FUCK THAT i just want to enjoy the fact its almost over
and then the lazy arse side of you kicks in and all you can think is ohhhh i'll do it later it'll be fiiine
i swear i'm gonna be up all night AGAIN to revise this shit
i only got like an hour/ two hours sleep last night and oh my word i'm kind of regretting it
even though i watched some funny videos
that was about all i did
what a waste of valuable sleep or even revision time
ohwellllll
of all people i guess i should be used to not sleeping
being a slight...ok more than slight insomniac :)
and i've been trying so hard (mostly failing) to get enough sleep this exam period!
mehhhhh
OH andddd best ways to pass time when you've finished the paper but still have like half an hour left in an exam
1. sing random songs
2, mess with your calculator and write rude words or add up every consecutive number from 1 to 100 and see if you get 5050. that always makes me smile i have no clue why
3. day dream alot (sleeping for me is not an option as i just cant :( it sucks)
4. (next two i;ve discovered this exam period and have really worked) doodle a hell of alot on the back of your exam (if you're worried of being told off like a pussy then do it in pencil and just rub it out duhhh)
5.(my favourite exam pass time) tower building with stationary! its bloody brilliant. seriously i advise this one haha

well th.th.th.th.that's all folks ;)
xxx

need to escape

i need to get out of this hell
this sorry excus for a life
i'm sick of living by everyone elses rules
i'm sick of not having a choice
oh FUCK THIS SHIT

its the new thing :D

new computer new computer new computer!!
yeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
it feels oh so good ^^
faster
and just better
and all modern oooooh :O
windows vista
hahahahahahhaa
i cant be bothered writing much in this
because it means thinking more
and i dont want to do that as i havent got a thinking exam tomorrow
just art
so there is no need to think
HMMPH

ciao blissimo :)

an extremely welcome blast from the past

have you ever had those kind of friends that when you're close they're just the most amazing friend and person and you feel totally comfortable around them and you have a unique relationship with them
then you find you've grown distant from them as in you're not in contact as much
you still think they're ace and you wish you could spend more time with them, like the past
no matter how much you try and "live for the present" the past is always creeping up behind you reminding uou of what was......hmmmm
anyway back to the original topic!
oh how i ramble on
right
so suddenly you here from this friend again and its JUST like old times :)
the randomness the humour the inside jokes just the way you talk so only they understand
its brilliant
you realise just how much someone can really make an impact on your life
and how much you have bloody missed them!
i cant wait for next year just because it might mean spending more time with that friend :)
and we'll be able to make new memories, etter ones :)

return of normality

in so many different ways

even i cant begin to understand it all

exams are still going on
my head is filled with useless knowledge that most likely wont be tested on
and i wont need much of it after this year
and theres still so much i need to cram in it!

in other news
my parents are back
and i am quite glad
as much as i love being alone and the fact i'm not all that close to my rents
that small sense of security and relief of that bit of pressure when theres someone to look after you is always nice :)

this time last year was so hectic and so much happened
gosh that was a difficult time
and even though i try to tell myself all that is in the past
i am still getting those similar feelings
those warning signs that i'm all too farmiliar with
but hopefully will all amount to nothing
i seriously hope so

hmmm what else is going on
i feel as if theres something amiss
like there are so many things i could be doing but for some reason or another i cant do them
i really cant wait for these exams to be over
to just be able to do stuff and not have to worry about time to revise and all that
i'm gonna miss being on exam leave though!
coming home early going in late only going in for like an hour or even less its brilliant!
why cant it be like this all the time?
i prefer everyday being different
one thing i'm really not keen on is routine
that and planning
i like things to be spontanious or just different
keeps life interesting :)

yesterday my cousin said something to me that just really got me thinking
"only boring people get bored" and its true
if you are bored and unhappy with a situation its up toyou and you alone to get yourself out of that state of mind
i've always felt the need to kind of live by that theory and i think i do ok :)
hopefully this year i'll be even better at living that way

*welsh accent* brilliant

i'm liked!

my mentee likes me!
lol i quite like her too :)
anywayyyyyyy


i havent got much to say at the moment
after that boxing session
i have a strong urge to take up boxng :S
i feel fitter haha

PEACE OUT

shiver me timbers

never really got that =/
ahwell who cares pirates are ace :)

two exams over and done with
oh it felt so good
even got to come home an hur early
then at half 3 i started my geography notes for tomorrow
i've only just finished :S its half 6 now
eeeee this week is going to be hard
and because of my realisations thursday night i'm actually choosing to bother!
the joy of it all :)

i'm happy about art though
my final piece has made that side of life alot easier :)

isnt it weird that you hear yourself differently to others do :S
i've never really understood why that happens
anyone care to shine a little light on the matter?
i cant be bothered saying anymore today
geography on the mind =/

exams exams exams

While i'm writing this i'm getting my mind ready for 2 to 3 hours of revising my history notes
Tomorrow is just gonna be the start
Over the past 2 days i've really put my head down and worked hard and i'm damn well hoping its gonna pay off

Around a week or two ago if you'd asked me if the fact i have two and half weeks of exams coming up bothered me
i probably would have laughed and gone "i'll be fine they're only mocks"
It wasnt until thursday night that i got thinking about it
Since probably this school year began it just hadn't sunk in how important this year is really
There was just always a few more things that meant more you know
But that night i just thought
why the hell am i thinking about stuff that isnt going to affect me anytime soon
when what i should be thinking about is life at the moment and whats happening and what i should be doing right now
which is preparing for these exams

these are meant to be "as close to the real ones as possible" so i should revise as best i can right?
i know if i had realised all this abit sooner i might have not needed to spend the next few hours cramming
but what can you do ey
better late then never :)

thursday night i felt a fear in me i hadn't felt in a very long time
i'm just wondering maybe, just really, not wanting to feel it again is the reason i'm putting my head down and revising
cause that takes my mind off of everything else
i guess in a sense its a win-win situation then :)

loneliness

there are 5 people living in this house including me
and to be honest i feel so lonely
its nice to just be acknowledged now and again
and not so that they can tell you to do something
eeesh i miss being in london so much

its not just the place
its the people
the closest people to me are my brother and my sister in law
they are probably the only two people in the world i cant imagine my life without
i probably go on about them alot
but i dont have anyone else close to me
and they're both hundreds of miles away
soooo loneliness overwhelmes me :)

ever since i was little most of the time i'd be alone
outside playing alone
in my room alone
i blame that for my overly random and weird imagination :) haha
you'd be surprised what seclusion can do to you...seriously

from one extreme to the other
comes the feeling of overcrowdedness
which is seriously my house in a nutshell
theres always been from 5 to i dont know 10 or 11 people living in my house at one time
my house is not big its a bungalow with 3 small bedrooms
we have another house with two bedrooms across the street
but that just mostly used by people to go to sleep
and my brother (the other one who i'm quite afraid of aha) practically lives there anyway
so when you're so used to a feeling of isolation because to be honest no one really likes you much
you'd rather just be alone with your thoughts
but theres nowhere to escape to
i know what you're thinking "why not go outside"
not much of an option when everywhere you turn you're faced with evil looks and abuse
the joys of living where i do :)

what a life

dreams, religion and what the future holds keep you going
fuck the actors that play our family and friends...

new years resolutions

back from london
oh how much i wish i was still there

anyway

my new years resolutions are:
1) fuck all the dicks (not literally) ;)
2) write things down more..like on this
3) get rid of myspace (trying to do but myspace wont send me the damn verification email! pfft)
4) waste less time on the computer and use my time well

lets see how well i do lol ^^

thats all for now
wicked ^^ (only sarah would understand that haha)