i cant believe i only have, including today, 6 days left till school
hmmm
i havent done much this holiday
was still nice
nowww onlyyy
from the first day i go back
5 weeks and 4 days? till my first exam
eeesh
doesnt sound long when its put like that
well good luck to me i guess lol

x

i've always felt like the odd one out in my family
and i dont mean with my parents and siblings
i mean with like my extended family
most of my close family on my dad's side live quite near to us and we see them often
and i havent always felt totally happy around them lets just say
but tbh i've realised
things are better
i'm not the same little kid that was a push over and took everything to heart
in a sense i've grown and its good
and now i realise that even with all the comments and yeah..stuff
they're my family, they're always there and i do love them :)

on the other haaand
theres my mum's side of the family
who are mostly in india
and i'm fine with most of them
theres the usual teasing when i go there cause i'm english and i have like 19 cousins there
but hey thats what family's for ey
but right
my parents have, over the past few years, sponsored 3 of my cousins and my uncle to come here
for them to study and for my uncle to work and build a life here
they've lived with us
and let me tell you i live in a very small house = and it has been very crowded at times
but i'm not a brat, i've never complained, i dealt with it right
one of my cousins is married and lives in london, she was a bitch tbh, i have my reasons to call her that,
two years ago her sister came down and still lives here now
she's worse...
especially the last few months i've turned to hating her. seriously its too much now.
i'm in the room on the computer and she is on the phone to her sister slagging off my brother and sister in law! the two most important people in my life! who in their right minds does that?
not only that
but on many an occasion she has lied about my other brother
and slagged me and him off too WHILE I AM IN THE ROOM
wtf does she think? that i'm stupid and i dont realise its about me? wow you said it in gujerati cause i obviously dont understand :@
and whispering stuff reallllly means i cant hear it doesnt it?
worst beyond all was a few days ago
she slagged off the two people that she should be fucking praising!
my mum and dad!
the two people who have gone through all the trouble to get her here so she can have a good education
have given here free accomodation, food, care, EVERYTHING over the past 2 years
the people who are doing everything to make sure she has a good and secure future
how fucking dare she!
her father died when she was young
and i have never known a person so loving as her mother, my aunt. she is truly a great person
and treats her daughters as if they are amazing human beings
but they arent
not one bit
and i'm sick of them making me feel like crap when they have no fucking right
but i dont say anything. why?
cause i dont think their mother deserves to know what kind of people her daughters are
why should i offer them any respect when they can treat me and my family like such crap?
theres alot more but i cba giving a fuck anymore
i know its not nice to say
but i cant wait till she leaves this place so i dont have to face such a fake every fucking day
i dont care how harsh i sound, for the first time in ages i'm truly furious
and i think its better for my and her sake that i vent on this rather than fucking taking out my anger on her or myself physically
which, only a few years ago i would have done

you know them moments where you've realised that everyrhings changed
that pivotal point where everything that you once thought was habit was gone and everything was new and different
yeahhhhh.....that never happens
i hate it when you're feeling "ohhh lifes so boring right now i need a change"
which i've felt alot
but what you dont realise is things are changing
but its all happening so slowly you dont realise its happening till suddenly you look back and you see it all
everything, how it happened over time
its weird
anywhooooo
i cant think of much to write on this thing
its been a pretty unproductive holiday, which is good in one sense, bad in another
i really need to get my head straight and write a hell of alot of notes tomorrow
and do some art, that needs to be done hmmm

i'm saving up for something
and i dont know what =/
a good summer?...maybe, maybe, pleaaase

i still owe £20

next term at school is looking slightly better
but not the same, not what it was
meh

what i get up to

yeah soo i have indeed been drawing more recently

and so i thought i'd start sharing my drawings on here

and maybe one day i could get paid for doing something i love yerrrr

isnt it a lovely day ^^
nice day for a walk yus?
hopefully i can go out and draw in the sunshine yerrr :D

(many hours later)

just got back from my walk
it felt really good
cept now my ears are really cold :S
was nice to just go wherever my feet took me
i went to places i'd never been before and they weren't anything special
but it felt special =/ this doesnt make sense
its like when they say you can find beauty in the most unlikely places
it was kind of like that
i came across this field, think it was a school footy pitch or something
and up the sides there was this slope so i climbed up and sat down and just looked around at all the moors surrounding and the clouds and then sat down and started drawing
and for the first time in quite a while i felt good :)
you can tell i'm gonna be going on more walks this holiday lol

would also be nice if someone would join me maybe?
comment maybeee?
lol

the worst feeling is being lonely
even when theres so many people around

you know those days where you barely speak a few words now and then
but your thinking and daydreaming essays of stuff

and you just want to talk to someone
feel noticed, wanted, and all those other stupid feelings
we're not meant to be alone on this earth right?

i think about approaching someone
calling anyone and sorting something out
go somewhere have an amazing time and forget everything negative
but i camt
cause i dont know whether they'd truly want me around or not
and to be honest the latter seems highly more likely right now with everyone

whoever, if anyone in fact, reads this
dont bother trying to care
cause its gonna be out of sympathy and you know it no matter how much you try to deny that
and thats seriously the last thing i want

i have so much to say, but i cant
cause i cant spill out everything on some website thats not how it works
or over some so called "conversation" on myspace
its just not real enough anymore

i'm gonna try and make tomorrow different
i dont want to spend it in this fucking shithole anylonger
even if it means just escaping on my own walking till theres nowhere else to go
least its something

this blog is so stupid

the email off myspace to cancel my account has finally come
my phone contract finished today
so tbh i'm probably gonna lose total contact with alot of people if i cancel it
hmmmmm
i'm gonna do it
time for a new start properly without all that shit yeah ;)

and its done
says its gonna take up to 48 hours
ooosh well thats that then :) lol

also no one try and call/text me. i wont be getting it lol

heres to new beginnings
LATERS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g-0fdZx2ZCk

ian : "you didnt even look, you just looked at me dead in the eye, here you go have another, there you go"

that was ian showing me his nipple :)
i miss that night so bad :(
bring it back please?

dude i want to die!

and even so i now wish i was doing art next year :S
wtf is wrong with me!

i need the new jon burgerman book
more than anything i really want it :
i shall try begging my dad
lets see what happens ey =/

i'm gonna make of list of things that i want to do atleast once in my life :)



i need to write a longer blog soon

fucking idiot

aprehensive

this year feels reall weird
its going slowly and fast at the same time :S

i'm still feeling cold inside
i have been ALL day
its such a weird feeling

today for once i shall complete all homework firstly being the report and essay i need to write
got more gcse results back today for the exams i took in january
got A*s in both maths and biology
and i'm glad. ofcourse, who wouldnt be. but i'm also not really all too bothered, as in i feel no different =/
there were a few people crying today, really awkward.

errrrrrrrmm what else
i cant stop thinking about this summer and going 6th form
but not in a "wow its gonna be so good" way
but in a "hmmmm i dont think summer's gonna be good and i'm still unsure about how 6th forms gonna be"
which is kind of good cause if they're crap i'll have already expected it
and if they're good i shall be pleasantly surprised lol

the venue's been booked for leavers.
i think alot of people are gonna go all out for it
which would be nice i guess but even for that i'm not really bothered cause i'm not leaving
so its just gonna be a big party for me haha ^^

someone just push me now and again this easter to make sure i'm working please?
i would quite like to get very good marks please! thankyou

hmmm thats all for now
x

i havent posted anything in a while

the other day someone reminded me of someone that i've not thought about in a very long time
this person did mean alot to me even though i rarely admitted anything along those lines
having someone like them always there if you need them
i guess you just dont miss that till its gone
i dont know if its just because i am the person i am
but no matter how hard i try
i cant convince myself that this person was a dick to be honest
i know in my head that they probably are
but theres a part of me, like in every fucking situation
thats telling myself, it must have been me, i must have done something wrong
but what

because of them i lost someone else who at the time
even though they shouldnt have
meant the whole fucking world to me, which when i look back seems so stupid now
and i'm so angry at myself for even thinking so much of them
but this person
they filled the void that was left
they reminded me that i still had someone there
but now
for a reason i dont even know
i've lost them

walking home yesterday
i didnt have my ipod
so i thought i'd call someone to help pass the time
so i was looking at my phone and...i remembered them
cause normally whenever i used to come home from being out i'd ring them
i dont even know why i did it
but i set my number to private and rung them
it rang a few times and so i thought they'd probably changed their number or something so i was just about to put it down then,
"hello"

i put it down straight away, but a part of me wishes i hadnt =/
i know i've got to move on
like i always seem to have to do when i always lose someone important

but this time

there doesnt seem to be anyone to fill this new void =/