i have realised that if you want something done dont count on anyone else
its up to you to get it done
also
i am going to make a list of stuff i want to do this summer
i may or may not post it on here
i need to take my camera out more
i'm thinking of trying my hand at a diary again
but with photos
hence why i need to take my camera out more
i also need to do something but i cant remember :
ooops
as much as i dislike my cousins (mum's sister's daughters)
i love my aunt loads
she is so amazing seriously
peace out x

i wish chez was here :(
i made a list :)
i knew i recognised that person!
this is so random

i just recieved my work experience letter thingymajigg
haha i'm going to be a waitress for a week ;)
come visit
tiggis restaurant in bolton!
10 till 3

i hate the fact that something that i dont even know will happen again still scares the life out of me
and that any sign of it gets me feeling so worried and so nervous
reading about it brings back memories
and a glimpse of that feeling that dreaded feeling
theres nothing like it
and i dont want it anymore
i dont want the fear, the worry, the emotions...that feeling

last night was good
some bits pissed me off but all in all was a good night :)
lol! someone broke the ceiling haha
my feet are now killing me
hooooow people managed to keep bigger heels on all night who knows
i forgot to take my camera so no pics but i'm sure i'll find some soon enough tbh lol
xx

i had a horrible dream last night =/
tonight i just want to have a good time
and not give a shit if i look bad or my dress keeps falling down
cause i think i've lost weight =/ eurghhhhh
i know i know other people would be so happy to lose weight but dude i'm already underweight i dont want to be even more
anywhoooo
i have a few hours to kill
then i'm off to bolton lads and girls club where i should be match ended today cause i fixed the kid haha ^^
but i'm gonna carry on as a volunteer cause nikki doesnt want me to leave her lol
and i'm a nice person!
then i'll probably be home at quarter past 6 where i then have 15/25 minutes to get ready wooooot
and i dont even know what i'm doing to my hair =/
ahhh fuck it i'll just leave it down and curly
i shall hopefully put up some pics if i dont forget my camera :)
xxx

these last few days have been extremely fascinating and weird
not always in a good way

even though i was scared like fuck i was made to hold my new born baby second cousin on sunday
and it was fucking magical
i felt so happy
i dunno i just felt this connection
it was weird =/
i guess it was nice compared to other things that had happened and had angered me this weekend

anywho yesterday we had guests over for dinner
and especially when we were all younger
i was always close to all my boy cousins
and everytime one family had guests they'd invite like my whole dad's side which is like all my cousins and everything and it was great, i really miss that
so i dont get to see my cousins as much as i used to especially the boys
but 2 of my cousin brothers ( i call them cousin brothers cause even though they're my cousins they're pretty much just more brothers tbh. we are a close family of people. probably one thing i love about being indian is the love and respect in families including the extended family)
anywho it was just so good talking to them and seeing them cause nowadays i only see them now and again mostly i'll see them out somewhere with mates or they'll see me kind of thing
and we were just talking about how its leavers on wednesday
and one asked "what are you going in"
and i just pointed out the window at our cars and said how i couldnt really be bothered organising a nice car to go in etc
and he said "oh you should have just rang me i would have organised something for you and chauffered"
and then later on when the 2 of them were leaving cause they were off out somewhere he was putting his number into my phone and said "if you ever need anything, a lift, money, someone troubling you, absolutely anything just ring me"
i just found that so awesome
and made me so happy
like theres people looking out for me
i mean obviously theres my own brothers who i love to bits
but well ones in london and one i barely see so its just nice knowing i've got people there :)

i cant actually wait till this exam and leavers are over these next two days
cause then i can really concentrate on the summer and everything i want to do
i cant wait its gonna be good
i know it

duuudeee
one more exam left tomorrow
and its all over
i had so much to write on here this weekend
but i never got a chance to get on the comp
and all my thoughts on all that stuff is muddled now =/
cause i got really angry
then really happy
then really angry
and now i'm just relieved but slightly pissed off
ok i must go
revision is required

i feel like i have so much to do =/
ooooooh and how weird is the word vaguely?!?!
i finished something :) hehehehe
and i need to start something else
transferring pencils are a load of crap dudeee!
anywhooo
my brother and sister in law are down :)
they're all at my brother's friends wedding including my rents
i have to go to the reception tomorrow damn =/
so cant meet liam again. haha thats just jinxed i swear

anywhoooo
i like that word
anywhooooooooooooo
yeah anywho
my mum has been noticing that i cant stop being cold towards my cousin
so i told her basically why cause i'm sick of looking like the bad guy when really i'm the only one who REALLLLY knows what she is like
anywho when she asked for more detail i couldnt go into it in the end cause my other brother came from the other house
hmmmm i think i have a heated conversation ahead of me
i just hope she understands my way about this
i cant consider someone to have anything to do with me who insults my family and is a bare faced liar
eurgh i get angry too easily
MUST CONTROL IT
fight the urrrrge lol

in other words
i think a week in london is on the books for this summer :) woo hoo
and
about other things EXCITEDD

oh oh ohhh!
yesterday i went to my primary school fair with chez where we reminiced and took lots of pictures and stole stars of the week certificates andd left a little message on the computer and other similar things
i actually miss that place
alot of great memories were made there :)
and i love going back and seeing old faces
good times good times
but right now
its all about the future ;)

i should go revise and clean up soon hmmm =/

i'm so happpyyy :)
i hope the whole summer is spent this happy yeyyy ^^
i have to go into school tomorrow for a double period :(
damnnn
alls good
i'll be home :D
and i can do certain stuff ^^ YEYYY

its done!
yeyyyy i have flutterbys in my tummy ^^

my hands and neck are aching so much

i've been working on this one thing for fucking ages and i'm still nowhere near done

but its gonna be worth it :)

so most of yesterday i was kind of down and i had no idea why tbh
but i wasnt feeling all too good
so i sat to paint and was blasting music and i was alone and everything was good
and then everything just hit me and i now have a great idea
well i think its great
and ots like my whole world is sunnier (cept outside it isnt so sunny right now lol)
but yeah i feel so good
i cant stop daydream and fantasizing about this thing
and its the only thing on my mind and i love that!
i've stopped giving a damn about all the worries and concentrating on what could potentially be amazing :)
i just cant wait
and zarah is coming over today
and hopefully tomorrow we'll be going manc/her house to play tekken :')
good memories are to be made this summer i just know it


this is just the beginning


if i get a cat i'm going to call it solitude or moses LOL
xxx

i love love LOVE it when ideas pop into my head

i'm so excited

big things are gonna happen dude

simon amstell was amazing
i love that dude and he is so funny
and arnob his support act was brilliant too
i never knew amstell was gay! and he's had his haircut which i've begun to warm to
and on the side he looks like a 12 year old boy
and i still love him and am highly attracted to him lol
yesterday was really good
especially the points where i was with helen and the bits where the comedians were talking
i'm not gonna lie i'd have probably enjoyed it more if i was at simon amstell with different people
yeah i dont care who reads this
things have changed and i've moved forward
and its all good
i know what i want and thats how its gonna be from now on yep :)
i dont want to comprimise having an excellent time anymore to try and please people who dont really mean anything to me anymore so fuck it ^^

i would like to meet simon amstell on the street to rais up my hands and say "aids" and "i have that jumper"
if you werent there last night you wont get it aha

is it time to move on?
i mean everything happens for a reason right
so is the reason that
and just hope that if what i want is to be then fate will make it happen
at the end of the da its all down to fate isnt it
hmmmm i confuse myself too much
ohwell =/
i ant wait for tomorrow
good distraction yeyyyy :)

today is brilliant
even though i've barely done anything
last night i could let my mind drift and daydream until i slowly fell asleep
i've not been able to do that in so long
felt good dude
and now i can sit back
and draw and watch tv
brilliant :)

i am sat in my pjs
and its cold
and i have to get read to go to an exam
in a little over an hour
arghhhh its my second to last one
and after this i have like a 12 day break
andddd i have just been finishing my geography revision
andddd i'm kind of nervous =/
i want it to go help hopefully it will
haha i want to just prove noot that clellan was better teacher than she ever was!
i really dislike that woman
and yes when clellan first taught us i did in a myspace bulliten sayyyy
"clellan can go shove a globe up her vagina i dont give a shit about coursework"
or something along those lines haha ^^
but my thoughts on clellan have changed since then
ooooh i might go watch some scrubs to calm me down
i hate this feeling i keep getting before every exam
think i would not get it by now
anywhooo i'm off
bye dudes
xxxxxxxxxx

i have a new idea
i hope i go through with it
i need felt tips
all is after my exams this week
3 of which are tomorrow
so i need to stop procrastinating and revise
LATERSS

fucking helllll
at how much i need to know
and how much i wont even need to know in the end
shit fucking sucks dude
FUCKING SUCKS


its almost the end though
not close enough yet however

everyones already talking about summer
and it still feels like an age away for me :(
and i have 5 exams stading in the way of me and summer
shit fucking sucks duuude

eurgh
i am so exhausted
i am not looking forward to german reading and writing tomorrow
i want to get an A* though eurgh =/
whateverrr
whatever i get i deserve
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooot

after tomorrow
onlyyy
5 more exams to go
pshhhhtttt

dude i'm ill
it sucks balls
i'm sick of cramming infromation i shall never use again except for mostly 2 hours in an exam

haha how random
i had to wait like 20 minutes for my uncle to come pick me up
and in that time some dude leaned out of a car window and said "hi gorgeous" to me
creepy
and i helped an old man cross the road and he said something like "i'm usually fit and healthy. i've got a wife and 6 kids and i'm not dead yet"
or something like that couldnt really hear him cause he was mumbling


oh anddd last night i couldnt sleep so i wrote this:

Staring up to the heavens
His hands slowly raise above his head
He begs for forgiveness for the sins he did not commit
He held up his hands and with all his migh
He proclaimed his faith
His passion
Tears of fear and hope fell from his shaking eyes
He shook not for the blessed
But for those who would never feel the love he felt
And with that he fell to the ground
His devotion in his right hand
The sin of others in his left



I wake up and you're still there
but i dont really want you there anymore...